Sunday 10 July 2011

Tarot issues 1-5

A while ago I made a bet to see if I could get through 50 issues of one of the worst comics of all time. Produced by BroadSword, who exists because of this comic, Tarot, Witch of the Black Rose deserves far more criticism than other bad comics because it attempts to be something it isn't. Namely it advertises itself as a feminist fantasy epic. It is in fact porn. Porn that more often than not exploits both sexes but especially woman. That and the writing sucks. I know I should be more poetic or skillful in my phrasing but there is no way to tiptoe around it. It's just bad. Its not subtle, its overly flowery, more often than not its offensive.

As such I've decided to put up the original reviews from the bet (which I won at the cost of my own sanity). Please enjoy the fact that with these brief summaries you are able to escape any possible curiosity of reading the actual issues yourself.

BOOK 1

The general vibe of book 1 is... not as bad as I was expecting. I am sure this will be fixed as soon as I open the cover of Book 2.

Highlights include Tarot calling the bikini she prances around in 'armor' and the jack-o-lantern men kicking the but of Skeleton Man.

Low points... hmmm, the fact that even with surgery I don't think I could ever have the rack that Tarot does :P

Quote of the book: The dead do indeed have a saviour, one who is earthbound, and clad in leather. (this was a toss up with 'hell doesn't exist boys, but I do, and I'm much hotter)

BOOK 2

two in one night? Believe it, I'm gonna make as much head way tonight as I can. Did it get worse as I had predicted... yes. Whilst still not to the level of haunted vagina's that it will reach. Highlights... Tarot and Jon falling madly in love with each other because they both saw a tarot card of 'the lovers'... for its sheer ridiculousness this must be the highlight. I gotta say though the lines 'you have a flying cat - doesn't every witch' did get a smile out of me. If for no other reason then now I want a flying cat.

Low point(s). Lets start with the opening that features Holly (Jim's wife and colourist/co-creator) dressed as Raven Hex. That's the chick with metal spikes for nipples in case you didn't know. Tarot bathing. Raven Hex caressing herself with the rotted corpse of Siamese twin 12yr old girls (yeah... you read that right). Raven Hex appearing to be sexually gratified by a giant bug with pincers that is giving her tattoo's, (seriously), actually just EVERYTHING about Raven Hex.

This is also the novel where we find out all about the girls past, namely that their family was persecuted for following witchcraft, which one would think in modern day Salem it would make your family just another one on the block. And that Ravens planes involve resurrecting her dead father and taking over the world... but mostly just getting her daddy back.

Quote of the book: Can you just feel the excitement coursing through my flesh? It swells with stimulation, who would have thought I could feel so alive with something dead? (Because Raven Hex is a classy lady)

BOOK 3

Wow did this sneak up on me... I have 2 days to get through 48 issues of Tarot, and while I've already read them and suffered the HORROR I now need to re-read them and review them in order to win the bet. Am I up for the challenge? Well lets pick up where we left off. The third issue.

Highlights: ummm... well... wow, episode 3 and already no high points to speak off. This one really is just filler, with the exception of the introduction of one of my fav characters Crypt Chick. She seems at least somewhat 3-dimensional, her main motivation being pissed at dying... well yeah... dying sucks there sweetheart. I also like her because to date she is the only character not to appear naked, her clothes actually stay on! Oh but you nudity fans out there don't despair because to make up for this creator Jim Balent was kind enough to cut holes in her bikini top, so when ever she features so do her nipples. Yep. Ghost nipples, right there on the cover. Once again, this is an 'empowering comic for women'.

Low points: Ghost nipples. This issue features the first of what I can only assume is a running gag or inanimate objects taking on the personality of TENTACLES!!!! Tarot is tied up by her sister with magic vines, these vines decide that simply tying up her limbs is far to easy for them and also curl in and out of her "clothes", that metal bikini she prances around in. Yes, even vines with no mind want to get into Tarot's pants. Raven Hex... God do I hate this character. Continuing her attempt to bring world peace by world domination this issue decides to have her use her talent, namely the metal spikes she wears on her nipples to blind a guy, literally using the pun 'I bet you could poke a guys eye out with those', actually is that a pun or simply a statement of fact?

Quote: and if a green faced witch is what you wish to be... then so be it!

BOOK 4

And thus the opening story arc comes to a close. The ending of the episode frustrates me and in some respect I also like. It certainly is on par with the first issue for being the lest offensive of them But lets delve right into the issue that could have Raven seeing consequences of her actions but instead decides to cope out and above all promises the death of Skeleton man but never delivers.

Highlights: Watching Raven get beat up. Seriously everyone is having a go at her in this book, Crypt chick, the ghosts of witches hanged in the past and even the vengeful anger of her father. Even her father smacks her around a bit. And while I'm normally against violence at home someone should have smacked this kid around far more in her developing years. Crypt chick stealing the spells in hopes of finding someone to resurrect her, while this means that the story will be revisited it really did fit in with her character. I did like Raven being stopped by the ghosts of people who died from the same kind of fear she is inducing, believe me when I say this was the best use of ghosts that the comic will ever feature so I felt the need to mention it.

Low points: Dam you cover! DAM YOU! Do not promise to have skeleton man die when he doesn't even get badly injured, instead they do this fake out with Tarot's mum. In previous issues they have had Tarot using the cards to see that if her mum gets involved she will die. Not may die. Will die. And having an actual consequence of Ravens actions, like the death of her mother while trying to bring back her father would have some real character development, it would be poignant and just a strong way to leave the story arc but no. Mummy survives after saying what is one of the most ridiculous lines ever. 'I see it growing stronger every day' talking about the love between Tarot and John who met ONE DAY AGO! BAH! Anyway, I'll have to quickly sum up the other low points otherwise this review will be larger then the actual comic. TENTACLES!!!!! WITH MOUTHS TO RIP OFF CLOTHES AND EXPOSE MORE GOD DAM NIPPLES!!!!!

BOOK 5

FILLER!!!!! This issue features the vital importance of Tarots cat. Yes Tarots flying goblin cat is apparently important enough to have an issue focus on him. Where his mischief leads to him taking the tail off a dragon witches son. Can anyone guess what a dragon witch would look like? Yes that's right a dragon!... who turns into a naked women... Of course!

Highlights: I WANT A FLYING CAT!!!

Low points: It was really dull. I mean I'm use to Tarot being bad, but at the least it normally is attention grabbing. This was just, dull, I had to re-read it like three times to try and find a fav quote and I still couldn't. It was just that Meh!

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